Diary of an Atheist

Apr. 17, 2003

	I'm depressed.
	I so much want to believe in life after death, but I can't ...
	I'm going to lose the man who set his life aside to feed & clothe me,
	and to make sure I got everything I needed ...
	The man who helped me when I needed it most.
	Who took me in when no one else would ...
	I'm going to lose him, my father ...
.............	And there is nothing I can do about it.
.	.

	I feel helpless and alone in this sorrow And yet there is no deity or heaven to cling to		(everyone has problems.)
	I refuse, despite my tears, to cling to mythology Which makes it all that much more painful		(pride? rationality?)
.............	I refuse to believe in an afterlife Just because I am afraid that he won't exist anymore Nor will I because he is afraid to die I'd like to believe, for comfort's sake, but I just don't	...	(no crutch)

"You have to realize that someday you are going to die.
Until you know that, you are useless." -- Tyler Durden

The struggle of watching someone who was the strongest person you've ever seen in your life slowly wither away is so unbearable. This man was the strongest person I have ever been around, both physically and mentally. I feared his anger when I was young, I feared him up until the cancer. And now I see him weaker than me and I am at a loss of words. No sentence, no matter how descriptive, could accurately explicate the deepest, darkest anguish that I have been thrown into. And yet I must keep it bottled and present a positive mask to those surrounding me in hopes that I am wrong and that he will beat the odds.

I am jealous of those whose fathers live to see their children succeed in life.

I have had hundreds of moments in the past few months where I wanted to throw my hands up, rip out my hair, and scream as hard as I can "WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?" but the answer is simple. Nothing. He did nothing to deserve this.

Life and death are not based on merit or karma. There is no reason for why these things sometimes happen. They just ... do. He is dying because he has cancer. That's it. Not because God wants him to. Not because he did something bad or evil or mean. Not because it's his time. It just happens. And there is nothing either of us can do about it.

So how do I deal with it? For once ... I simply just do not know.

Bless me, father, for I have sinned. My only regret is that I took you for granted and now, with much frustration, I can not have back the time I so agonizingly want, so that I may mend any rifts we might have had or any awkwardness we may have felt towards each other when it came to exchanging words of love, respect, and hugs. Pride can be a terrible thing when death is knocking at your door ... or more like sending you a telegram telling you to

wait ... I'm coming sooner than you can handle ...

I ask any reader of this to please not email me any sympathies right now. Or prayers. Or offers of spells or thoughts for my father. And please do not misunderstand, I *do* appreciate every kind and positive gesture, but right now this cathartic entry is only for my sanity. I need to get this out somehow, because if I don't, I'm going to lose my mind.