2001-02-28
I read this some stuff on a web site parodying (sp?) radical christian morals and attitudes. The following is just a rant I took from some of their items. As I state in the rant, I know it's from a parody page, but I have seen a LOT like this page that are dead serious. So, I had to rant...
"Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness."
Well, fuck. No wonder I couldn't get anything done. I thought it was the calluses on my hands. As it turns out wanking made me into a LEPER.
"Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason."
Didn't he also get pissy when some chick ate an apple so she could learn all kinds of nifty shit and then spanked her gender with eternal monthly bleeding just cause inquiring minds wanted to know? Fruity bastard.
"Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators."
Guess that explains all those limping alter boys.
"Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law."
Imagine all those 14 year old criminals, running around all day, commiting felonies. What bad little boys. Cause ya know, there's nothing worse that smackin' the dong! I mean forget mind-corrupting, child-molesting, self-rightous, hypocritical, tax-evading moral fundamentalists. LET'S NAB THOSE WANKERS!
And, contrary to their linked site, dildos are NOT illegal in Texas. Dildos that look too much like a real penis are (yeah, I know...fucked up, ain't it?). But, get this, inflatable sheep are perfectly fine to get as well as whips, paddles, hand cuffs, etc. Just no anatomicly correct pleasure dicks. Talk about Darwin's waiting room.
"Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate."
And, of course, we all know that everyone is just so completely honest and never in denial when talking about social subjects that have been slapped around with a christian-brought embarrassment factor. Cause ya know lying is a sin, too! *gasp*
And I'm not even going to go into their laughable solutions. True this site is a parody and nothing any rational human being would look at with any form of seriousness, but sadly there are people out there with a reasonably loud voice who do believe in such things.
A while back I found a christian "moralist" web site that was so anti-gay that they suggested arresting them all and putting em on an island so we could drop nuclear weapons on it. I can't help but laugh at the hypocrisy of stating that one is a God-embracing "moral" leader and yet also in favor of killing a human being. But then again: God loved man so much that he created him in his own image, porked a virgin behind her hubby's back to give us his only begoten son, and then turned around and wiped out the entire world (and later a double city) because they didn't live up to his standards. God...such a wacky sense of humor.
