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Nov. 25, 2001
�A little less than a month ago I met a guy who was relaying a story
about a "haunted house" he had visited, which was put on by his local church. As
the story went on, I couldn't help but feel pity for those who had to witness
this truly disgusting, and yet some what hilarious depiction of sinners, drug
users, and (of course) Satanists.
�The following is the story of what happened, in his own words.
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pic 1
("Satanic" Sacrifice)
� Editor's Note: funny how every
production has to have that token black guy. Wouldn't want to offend the
blacks while sacrificing virgins to Satan!
pic 2
(Strung Out on Weed at a Drug Dealer's House)
Editor's note: I guess the message here is
... when you want to ruin your life with that evil, evil marijuana,
everyone buys from their local black kid ... cause ya know he's like hip
to killing children for the horned goat and smoking that wacky, life
destroying mary jane! mhmm!�
pic 3
(front page of newspaper)
No Commentary Required |
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������Ok, so its the
weekend before Halloween and me, my uncle, and my aunt, are looking for some
haunted house to go to and are not having any luck, so we decide to look in the
newspaper, when I found something very interesting on the front page: A fat goth
girl holding some chalice above a little girl with a pentagram painted on the
wall behind her (see pic 1). As I began to read the article I found out that the same church
that was showing the " Harry Potter is evil " video, are now having a
haunted house! Only this haunted house shows the �" horrors of real
life " !
������So we get there and I ask " is this a
haunted house or what " and the guy selling tickets says " well, its
our take on a haunted house, but it is scary. " How right he was! It IS
scary that people would actually go to this shit! �After 20 minutes of
waiting we get to enter " Judgment Day 2: The Aftermath ." �There
is this stupid old man who is supposed to be the tour guide reading everything
from a piece of paper. Basically what this is, is you go through a little maze
like thing and watch these little acts or plays, if you will.
������So we get the first " act " and
the guide says " watch as this family is ripped apart because of the Mom
having an affair. " �So, there is the Mom and the dad yelling at each
other about typical crap, the basic "You are a bad husband, " "
Well your cheating on me." And then the Mom says she is taking the two kids
( who are sitting on the couch the whole time ) and leaving to California to be
with her new man and that Dad will never see them again. So then, the dad says
" well at least let me say goodbye to the kids" and the Mom says
" ok well go in bobby's ( the little boy ) room, he needs to get his things
anyway." So dad takes the two kids in there, and you hear two loud ass
fucking gunshots and the mom screams and runs in the room. Then everyone gets to
walk around the side and see in the room and the kids ( who are two completely
different kids then the ones that were sitting on the couch a few seconds ago )
are laying there with brains and blood and guts everywhere! This part was pretty
cool looking actually. Oh, and the dad shot himself too. So then the tour guide
says that " Satan comes to the earth and tears families apart everyday
." �Now on to act 2.
������This act I personally thought was the most
offensive. We walk up to a room with a table in the middle, a pentagram on the
wall with a spot of blood on each point, and some chalices with the most fake
ass looking blood in them. (pic 1)
" Oh man this is gonna be sooooo stupid " I
thought to myself ", and I was� right! A fat goth girl is talking to some guy that
is obviously supposed to look like Anton LaVey, and she says " do we really
have to kill her? I'm nervous " and then the guy says� |
" here, take
these....drugs ( he looks at us, to make sure we acknowledge that he said drugs
)... they will take the edge off. Then the guy leaves the room and a little girl
comes in. She and the fat goth girl talk and the fat goth tells her
about spells and if she drinks this blood ( which you see the goth
secretly put drugs into ) she can be powerful. The goth says " this
is an ancient african spell" and the little girl says "
african spell?.....that sounds stupid! " I felt like yelling out
"Worshipping a 2000 year old dead man, that is stupid!" .
Anyways, the fat goth kid says " here listen to some music " ,
and guess what music it is??? That's right, heavy metal music! They
played metallica's fight fire with fire!!! Well, at least it was good
Metallica. So the little girl drinks the blood, she passes out, a bunch
of people in cloaks come out and the fat goth girl is about to stab the
little girl when the lights go out, and we hear a fucking loud scream.
The funny thing is, it was supposed to sound like the little girl was
screaming but you could kinda still see it and it was really the fat
goth that made the scream......so corny. The guide says " this is
what really happens in satanic cults, what could make teens want to join
these? " This was obviously making fun of Satanists, pagans,
wiccans, and atheists. Its funny though considering that Satanists do
not kill anyone, and anyone who has read the satanic bible knows that.
But of course these idiots haven't. So anyways.....onto act 3.
������Act 3 is kinda stupid so ill be brief with
it. Ok basically this teen girl is pregnant, she is doing drugs, and she is
getting bad grades in school. She argues with her dad and shit and then she
leaves the house. Then dad gets a call about where the girl is staying at, which
is also where her drug dealer lives. Then the tour guide reads the wrong part of
the story and says " Poor old dad just tried to help his daughter and he
paid a big price for it." Obviously, he wasn't supposed to tell us that the
dad died yet. So, then everyone goes to a different part and we see the
"drug house( of course, all the drug dealers are black kids and " thug
life" is spray painted on the wall " ) And we see that the kids are
" strung out " on pot. (pic 2) How one can get strung out on pot is still a
mystery to me, but oh well. So they are sitting around smoking and then the dad
knocks on the door. He keeps trying to get in and all the kids are freaking out
and hiding, and finally the dad busts the door down. Then, I have no idea why
but, a strobe light goes off, and the black drug dealer gets a gun and shoots
" good old dad ". Then the tour guide reads the same part again about
the dad " paying the price ". Now onto what is supposed be the final
act, act 4.
������We see a dad and his two kids who look to be
around 11 or 12 watching a baseball game. The mom is talking to the dad and
saying that a pastor wants to come and talk to the family. ( they don't even
mention why the pastor wants to talk to the family ) The dad says " I don't
want to talk to him, he just wants us to go to church so he can take all of our
money. I'm not going to a stupid church! " .....I'm starting to like the dad
in this story. So then the mom basically tries to get the dad to go to church and
all that crap, when all of a sudden the news comes on and says that there is a
tornado coming. Then, right that fucking second, all the lights go out and there
are playing these way too fucking loud sounds of wind blowing and shit. So, a
tornado just hit their house, and we walk outside and we see all these people
laying on the ground moaning, with red magic marker marks on them that are
supposed to look like blood. I thought this was the end, but the worst has yet
to come!
������The tour guide says we are going to talk to Satan himself now! Oh goody. Well
apparently Satan lives in the back of a semi
truck, cuz that's what we had go into. There were all these big carpets we had to
walk through so it could block any light out. So when we are in the very back,
there is a little roped off part, it's hard to describe, but basically they made
it so you could only see Satan from the waist up so it kind of looked like he
was floating. Oh and by the way, Satan is a big fat guy with red spandex and
fake devil horns that would be on the devil halloween costume for a fucking 2
year old. " Satan " also has a headset on so that his voice is all
distorted sounding. " Satan " talks about how " that one girl (
from act 3 ) that was pregnant had an abortion, and now her baby is rotting in
hell with me! And the dad that didn't want to go to church, and he didn't his
teach his kids about jesus, well now his kids are burning in hell too! "
�Wow, that's nice and wholesome isn't it? As everyone is leaving the semi
truck you hear " Satan " say " I hate christians " over and
over. So, of course, I yelled " ME TOO! " Tee hee. Ok anyway, I
thought, " this has to be the end," but, no, there was still one last
" act ", as the guide put it, to see. So onto the last " act
"
������Well guess what, the last " act "
is in.....you guessed it, a church. We all got to sit down and be lectured by
some bitch who looked like the host of " Weakest Link " about how
jesus died for us, blah blah blah, the typical christian bull shit. But then,
she said " Ok, now everyone bow your head and pray....everyone HAS to do
this, no looking around ". This was pretty fucked up. And after she was
done lecturing us, we were finally allowed to leave. But there is a catch, there
are 2 doors to leave out, one is marked " Heaven " and one is marked
" Hell " !!! How fucking stupid is that?? Now I know what everyone is
thinking, but no, I went out the heaven door because I just wanted to leave and
didn't want anyone else lecturing me. Well, as I was leaving, someone must of
overheard me say " that was the most fucked up thing I've ever seen "
, because get this, they had a fucking security guard follow me in the parking
lot! He was saying " why?? why?? why can't you go to church?" I basically just ignored the guy and said that I didn't have time for all that. And
he said " I just love you so much I don't want you to go to hell." I
was so shocked at what all I have seen that I couldn't even think of anything to
say to him, so I just ignored him and left. But the most fucked up thing about
this, is that there were a lot of little kids being brainwashed by this hateful
christian bullshit. Things like this really scary me. This was scarier than any
haunted house I could have gone to.
������So everyone, the moral of the story is: If
you have an affair....you die. All wiccans, pagans, Satanists, and every other
non-christian religion, listen to metallica, take drugs, dress like
goths, and
kill little girls. If you smoke pot......you get strung out and die. �And,
if you don't go to church......a tornado will hit you and you will die. |
�I wonder if Metallica will sue these guys, too ...
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